Finding home…

A lot has happened since I last posted… I flew to Texas, stayed with my sister and then an old roommate for a few days, went on a Caribbean cruise to Jamaica, Grand Cayman, and Cozumel, roadtripped north with my family and stayed in Tennessee for a few nights, and then made it back to Michigan and picked up my puppy and checked in on my cats. Then… nothing really happened.

I decided I still really didn’t know where I wanted to go or what exactly I wanted to do. I kept waiting for some grand idea to present itself to me, and although many options were good, nothing felt fully right. I did some odd outside jobs in below-freezing weather at my parents place (sleet and snow days in April… this is Michigan…), slept in my childhood bed, ran my dog, learned how to drive a stick shift, started updating my resume, signed up for some freelance writing sites… I did so many random things just waiting for a sign or a pull from within.

Then, while shoveling chicken shit (literally), I had a mini breakdown and collapsed on the frozen earth outside the henhouse. I laughed and cried and looked at Jax and said aloud, “It’s all cyclical, Jax! Everything! I’m a mess and I’m flighty but THIS is exactly how I am when things are great or when things are shitty — everything is just fine and I’ll be smiling again soon!” I laid there on the ground and laughed, dismissing the nervousness and anxiety that had been building inside of me for weeks. I realized yet again that everything, at any given point, really is just fine.

The next day, in a burst of caffeine-fueled excitement and unwillingness to polish above-mentioned resume, I got in the car and drove to my best friend’s house near Detroit. I had to see her — I had to see a familiar face that wasn’t needing grandiose tales from Central America (although there are plenty) or asking me countless times just what comes next.

After a few long, warm hugs, Annie and Didi (her roommate) and I went to yoga. What happened in this class was remarkable — I felt at home. I surrendered to the moment and felt so much love and light and comfort.

At the end of the class while closing in Savasana, I started to weep. I held my best friend’s hand and cried — tears of joy and peace and love! I looked over and she was crying, too. I was sharing this beautiful moment with a person I love so much, who loves me without demand or expectation, just love.

That night, I decided to focus my efforts on getting a job in her area and hopefully sharing a home with her and Didi. Would it be tight? Yes. Would it be a bit silly having three girls and a dog in a 1.5-bedroom apartment? Yes. Did it matter to me? No. I want to surround myself with love and freedom and have welcoming hearts fill the space I rest my head each night.

So, about 10 days later, here I am… Sitting on Annie’s bed, ready to leave for my first job interview since returning home.

I feel right and good and content.

Everything really is just fine.

And I’m not quite sure what comes next, but that’s just fine, too.