written in December, 2015, just before Jake and I broke up… about two months before everything shifted again..
Writing. Writing helps, right?
I’m in the middle (please dear God let it be the end) of a down cycle. A pretty big down cycle. And when I look back at so many of these times in my life I’m seeing that the cycles will always continue.
I don’t even want to say always, because I fear that word… But maybe I really do have to embrace it. Maybe it’s time to realize that what goes down WILL come up, but what goes up WILL come down. Maybe it’s time that I start to recognize that it’s ME that has to change it. It’s ME that has to make moves to come out of it. It’s ME that has to do things to turn the tide. Right?
Maybe not. Maybe I have to embrace it.
Maybe the shame I’m feeling right now for being a good yoga teacher, and then a yoga teacher who couldn’t get or keep her shit goether is just a part of who I am. Maybe this cycle was bound to continue. Maybe the relationship I’m in is one I really don’t need to be in or shouldn’t be in. Maybe it will come back around if I make a solid attempt to get myself better, and then maybe the relationship will get better. Maybe I need to somehow, someway, fuel myself with a community again. Maybe the little fortress I’ve built around myself was the worst thing I could have done. Maybe it’s all about positive self talk. Maybe I need to love on myself instead of hating on myself.
Robin, I love you unconditionally, exactly as you are, right now.
Robin, you have made some bad choices, but you have the opportunity to make some right choices. You have the opportunity to make moves that will change your situation. You have the opportunity to clean yourself up. You have the opportunity to grow, strong, in who you are. You have the opportunity to embrace the dark side… embrace the side that holds guilt and shame. You need a therapist, sure, but maybe there is a great therapist in the written word. Maybe you can write every day, no matter what, and see what happens. Maybe you can ask your body what it wants or needs to eat and do that. Maybe you need to hug that dog of yours, the one who has never done anything but LOVE you, and then play fetch with him even if it’s cold. Don’t be lazy, but understand that you’re in this place for some reason that you don’t understand. You’re in this place because for whatever reason you made choices that weren’t the best, and now you’re here and now you need to decide what to do.
Do you remember what makes you happy? Does that list you wrote years ago still apply? Yoga? yes…although now there is a lot of shame in it because of teaching it, and teaching it well, for a period of time and now not. Sweat? Yes…although when was the last time you even sweat? Maybe that’s something to work on… Writing? Yes, it’s therapeutic if nothing else. Nature? Hell yeah, but where is the nature here? More nature is needed, and there has to be a way to find it. Travel? Yes, but I have to go get the zest from within to do it. …and let’s be real, we’re pretty freaking broke.
So what do we do? Are we going to die? NO. Are we going to live? YES. Yes. Yes. Yes!
I need to be around people. I need to be open and authentic with how I’m feeling. Maybe my family isn’t the best to be around all the time, but the last thing I want to do is build another wall up that further isolates myself. I need to be walking, running, stretching, and opening my body…
Where has the music gone? And why have I not danced to it?