…written in early December, 2015… And, I will add, that I’m safely ‘out’ of the depression I write of here. And I didn’t share this with anyone on my blog, or in my home, then because I was most surely in a shameful denial. Fuck shame… This is what my depression looks like.
full disclosure — written way too late, after half an expired sleeping pill, at my parents’ house (that I’ve been staying at more often than I’d like to admit lately…) — honest if nothing else, right?
It dams you up and blocks you, your voice, your brain, your spirit… It dams the vital bits that make you YOU, and it also dams the connections between them that make you FUNCTION like a human.
The damn depression dams.
Depression most often starts small… at least at first. A couple things start being different — “not tonight” is said a bit more often to your partner, the gym/the mat/the class can be skipped this week, and cooking is less than appetizing — and then slowly, without you even noticing, it’s back full force.
“Hello, I’m depression and I’m here to fuck you up.
I’m going to take pleasure away from everything you loved to do, so much so that you’ll stop doing them completely because why not? You’ll start to tell yourself you’re not any good at them anyway, or that you’re a phony, or that it’s too hard/too easy/too impossible to do… You don’t know what to do on that mat anymore, you yoga teacher you. *cough* phony *cough*!” depression says. You don’t want to hike for hours with your best furry friend, because it’s cold out there (even if it’s colder and getting colder wherever I’m around, my friend… he says). You don’t want to dream that big dream of helping heal others through yoga and cooking and gardening and creative expression… because that’s a terrible idea,” depression says.
“I’m going to take away your health bit by bit. Maybe I’ll start with sleep…and convince you to take those sleeping pills you hoarded years ago, stockpiling before the insurance ran out, just in case… Of course you’ll then continue to take them, daily, initially because you need them, and now in part also because you fear what terrible things may happen if you’re forced to face the world in this state, with a sleepless face looking even more vacant yet scattered than had you actually caught a few zzz’s. You’re afraid of being in your head for 8 hours without sleep… maybe that’s when the crazy will really come,” depression says.
“I’ll take away your appetite by filling your stomach with knots, with gurgles, with distended organ and very inconsistent and uncool BMs… You’ll painstakingly order food at a restaurant (that god knows you didn’t choose to eat at, because I’ve also taken away any ability of yours to make a decision…), opting to get that lunch-break martini as well, and drink all of it before the food arrives. Then you’ll have another (because although you’d given up alcohol before I came back, now you want to imbibe and ignore me, even if just for a moment). You’ll pick at that lunch, probably not confiding in your table mate that Depression has dammed everything all up and did a quick kick-flip of your life — so now you’re not you anymore — and blame it on a big breakfast, or being grateful for a smaller appetite these days (what is it, this LYING to cover up depression thing? it’s a big deal. time to talk.).
“I’ll take away your job maybe. Because god knows you didn’t want this job, the exact job you manifested into creation 2 years ago. Because it’s not like this job had all the opportunities you dream of. I’ll also take away any creativity or zest or innovation you have left, and I’ll fill these brain spaces with loneliness… with self-loathing… with thoughts of death, and the act of dying… and with so much fucking CONFUSION that you’ll start to rewear your socks for a full week just because you can’t actually figure out or remember how to use your own washer.
“The confusion one will be a big one for you, sweet unknowing soul, because you’ve always had such a sharp, bright mind… What happened now? Creativity and communication are things you pride yourself on, and things I’m going to take away.
“Oh yes, and I’ll take away your love. Of your partner. Of your self.