Dreaming, waiting. For you, for me.

What do I want? A man who loves and supports all of me, who is strong in his embodied and awakened masculine, and embraces the beauty of the feminine, that he adores, that I am — the playful, free, somewhat insecure and sometimes frightened self, that is also wild and a little impulsive and often impatience and has a tendency to run away from, or into, another.

..

And I see him…

Walking into the cafe, grateful to see me
eyes lighting up with recognition
but not rescue.

We prepare for bed, walking past each other
no need to swap shoulder space
so our bodies brush.

Some days, in the night
I may press my body against his. Some days no.
Some days, he will reach a hand
to hold my leg,
as he drifts.
Some days, he’ll pull me toward him.
Some days, his exhausted body
will lie flat on a broad chest,
with a cheek turned away
from his lover, his heart
staying open.

I see us sitting on the porch,
with a view,
laptops open before eager open eyes
fingers typing away,
talking to a world existing inside,
but far outside
our own.
A tea, and a beer or whiskey on ice
in a glass on the table.
Yoga mats, and a belt for his tight hamstrings
in a basket in the corner.
We each mumble something passing
about wanting
change of scenery, not to escape
our present picture, but to re-ignite
the recognition of true freedom
we worked hard to build
and to re-fill
our cups that actively pour
so much.
Of course I’ll squeal in excitement,
an adventure is always on my agenda,
and we toss around ideas
when, where, then we meet
glancing, knowing, and a smile
in the agreement that there is
no place we would rather be
than our place
near the playa
with the fire dances at dusk.

We haven’t yet brought little ones
into our lives, and
in our heads we think we will
in our bodies we’re not quite sure.
The gods still playing out moves
for us, positioning the pieces in a way
that works for all.

We aren’t always happy, and
we aren’t without fear, but
we are bonded, and trusting, of
the other body
sharing the bed
most nights.

When I crumble
in a way that doesn’t always look as such,
when I retreat, or busy,
or drop my practice, or pick up
a vice put to rest on many the
self-growth journey from before,
and today…
He notices, and cooks the meal,
books the massage and the class, and
looks me in the eyes
lays his hand on my own,
tells me he see that
I’m hurting, and tells me he
wants to help, wants to
lean into whatever is coming up
with me
if I am ready to step up, not down
to the challenge.
He sees my defensives —
shield lifting
warrior
shoulders rising.
He breathes into me with
powerful salt and sugar eyes and
I soften
ready to accept
the truth, and gift,
of the love
before me.
This partner of mine
sees my whole heart
that has walked many roads
in this lifetime
alone
and has lost far more
than anticipated.

When he loses sight of the path,
that looks a bit like fitting in,
putting his brain into the
blossoming of others
losing his focus,
with device distractions/addictions, and
demands of the society
in which we lived
before.
I soften
seeing his divine human-ness
smile with compassion
at my reflection, my friend
I notice, and cook the meal,
book the massage and the class, and
put on the sexy slipdress, and
look into his eyes
lays my hand on his own,
tell him that I see
he’s lost sight
of the light
of presence.
I see his dismissal
trying to deny the boom
of truth.
I breathe into him with
powerful salt and sugar eyes.
He softens
ready to accept
the truth, and gift,
of the love
before him.
The partner of his
who sees his whole heart
that has been around the thicket of love,
and loss, before.
That has swallowed the potential truth
he may be destined to be
alone
which was not quite what
he anticipated.

And here we are.
He and me.
Two warriors walking
the path of love
with oppenness
and bravery
and the learned and always known ability
to support,
to hold space, finally
for ourselves, and with the blessing
and continued practice,
for the other.

When we fell in love
terror, lack of trust,
mostly in our selves
that we could really love,
another, as we didn’t really know
if we could truly
be loved.
Yet this time, something was
different.
We both knew
we didn’t want to be alone
our phenomenal bodies and
our power-house minds ready
to give, fully, our gifts
to a world
to a self
to another
so needing them
We both knew
there was a whole of life
to understand
in the pairing of people
owning their essence
as honestly as we were.

We were hurting, but
we were hopeful.
We’d made progress, but we still
had pitfalls on the path.
We were wise, but still full
of childlike wonder
that continued to call us
toward the light
of understanding, and into
the serenity of stillness
only found in our most aligned when
grace gives embrace
freely
to our human hearts.

We saw
a reflection of ourselves
in the other, and we wanted
to give ourselves
to the other, as we saw
a softness,
a strength,
a respect
in the kind eyes
and true smile
of the other, that was intimately known to be
the self.

We danced with the mind
for some days, still stuck in old
patterning, sabotaging tactics.
We kew that the
allure of love’s raptures was
worth the risk
of opening
yet again.

We timidly tip-toed, then said
fuck it
and deep-dove into the
cosmic creation crafted eons
before our this-birth bodies
could connect and capture
the blessings
of partnership, being presented
to us.

We realized then,
after finding safety, simple surrender,
and unconditional
non-co-dependent
support
in the arms, and the eyes of
each other
our selves,
that the pain from
our prior lives
was necessary,
and the pain
that inevitably will accompany
our path together, will also be
necessary for the prolonged
joy, and purpose,
of presence in
each other
our selves.

So as we sit on our porch,
with the view,
laptops open before us
with the priviledge to partake
in a beach hut in paradise
we smile in the realization
of our co-creation
in which we build for
each other
our selves.

So we continue to do the work
in these days, months, years
before we meet,
enjoying our humanness
offering our talents
elevating the vibration
of the world
of the self
of the anothers
so needing them,

And we wait until the day
when we will slip
into
the Buddhahood
and bedsheets
and eternal each other, self in the other
with gratitude
for the now
that is now
until the day…

Pure partnership dreams and fantasties do fill me, now, as I realize that this life, of independence, and universal support, that is solo travel does give me growth, and seeing, and knowings, more than most other times in my life before. But yet, shared experience is what I crave. Shared experience with my forever partner, of the indefinite forever, that is, is calling me.

When it lands, I hope to be ready. Until then, I enjoy, and I do the work, and I practice patience. A few months ago, as I meditated and danced in silence, and surrender, and sexy whispers, the god in my prayers told me, “Be patient, dear girl. You’re not ready yet.”

And so, here I am
patiently
waiting.

 

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