The Depression Dams

…written in early December, 2015… And, I will add, that I’m safely ‘out’ of the depression I write of here. And I didn’t share this with anyone on my blog, or in my home, then because I was most surely in a shameful denial. Fuck shame… This is what my depression looks like.

full disclosure — written way too late, after half an expired sleeping pill, at my parents’ house (that I’ve been staying at more often than I’d like to admit lately…) — honest if nothing else, right?

Depression.

It dams you up and blocks you, your voice, your brain, your spirit… It dams the vital bits that make you YOU, and it also dams the connections between them that make you FUNCTION like a human.

The damn depression dams.

Depression most often starts small… at least at first. A couple things start being different — “not tonight” is said a bit more often to your partner, the gym/the mat/the class can be skipped this week, and cooking is less than appetizing — and then slowly, without you even noticing, it’s back full force.

“Hello, I’m depression and I’m here to fuck you up.

I’m going to take pleasure away from everything you loved to do, so much so that you’ll stop doing them completely because why not? You’ll start to tell yourself you’re not any good at them anyway, or that you’re a phony, or that it’s too hard/too easy/too impossible to do… You don’t know what to do on that mat anymore, you yoga teacher you. *cough* phony *cough*!” depression says. You don’t want to hike for hours with your best furry friend, because it’s cold out there (even if it’s colder and getting colder wherever I’m around, my friend… he says). You don’t want to dream that big dream of helping heal others through yoga and cooking and gardening and creative expression… because that’s a terrible idea,” depression says.

“I’m going to take away your health bit by bit. Maybe I’ll start with sleep…and convince you to take those sleeping pills you hoarded years ago, stockpiling before the insurance ran out, just in case… Of course you’ll then continue to take them, daily, initially because you need them, and now in part also because you fear what terrible things may happen if you’re forced to face the world in this state, with a sleepless face looking even more vacant yet scattered than had you actually caught a few zzz’s. You’re afraid of being in your head for 8 hours without sleep… maybe that’s when the crazy will really come,” depression says.

“I’ll take away your appetite by filling your stomach with knots, with gurgles, with distended organ and very inconsistent and uncool BMs… You’ll painstakingly order food at a restaurant (that god knows you didn’t choose to eat at, because I’ve also taken away any ability of yours to make a decision…), opting to get that lunch-break martini as well, and drink all of it before the food arrives. Then you’ll have another (because although you’d given up alcohol before I came back, now you want to imbibe and ignore me, even if just for a moment). You’ll pick at that lunch, probably not confiding in your table mate that Depression has dammed everything all up and did a quick kick-flip of your life — so now you’re not you anymore — and blame it on a big breakfast, or being grateful for a smaller appetite these days (what is it, this LYING to cover up depression thing? it’s a big deal. time to talk.).

“I’ll take away your job maybe. Because god knows you didn’t want this job, the exact job you manifested into creation 2 years ago. Because it’s not like this job had all the opportunities you dream of. I’ll also take away any creativity or zest or innovation you have left, and I’ll fill these brain spaces with loneliness… with self-loathing… with thoughts of death, and the act of dying… and with so much fucking CONFUSION that you’ll start to rewear your socks for a full week just because you can’t actually figure out or remember how to use your own washer.

“The confusion one will be a big one for you, sweet unknowing soul, because you’ve always had such a sharp, bright mind… What happened now? Creativity and communication are things you pride yourself on, and things I’m going to take away.

“Oh yes, and I’ll take away your love. Of your partner. Of your self.

The Cycles

written in December, 2015, just before Jake and I broke up… about two months before everything shifted again..

Writing. Writing helps, right?

I’m in the middle (please dear God let it be the end) of a down cycle. A pretty big down cycle. And when I look back at so many of these times in my life I’m seeing that the cycles will always continue.

I don’t even want to say always, because I fear that word… But maybe I really do have to embrace it. Maybe it’s time to realize that what goes down WILL come up, but what goes up WILL come down. Maybe it’s time that I start to recognize that it’s ME that has to change it. It’s ME that has to make moves to come out of it. It’s ME that has to do things to turn the tide. Right?

Maybe not. Maybe I have to embrace it.

Maybe the shame I’m feeling right now for being a good yoga teacher, and then a yoga teacher who couldn’t get or keep her shit goether is just a part of who I am. Maybe this cycle was bound to continue. Maybe the relationship I’m in is one I really don’t need to be in or shouldn’t be in. Maybe it will come back around if I make a solid attempt to get myself better, and then maybe the relationship will get better. Maybe I need to somehow, someway, fuel myself with a community again. Maybe the little fortress I’ve built around myself was the worst thing I could have done. Maybe it’s all about positive self talk. Maybe I need to love on myself instead of hating on myself.

Robin, I love you unconditionally, exactly as you are, right now.

Robin, you have made some bad choices, but you have the opportunity to make some right choices. You have the opportunity to make moves that will change your situation. You have the opportunity to clean yourself up. You have the opportunity to grow, strong, in who you are. You have the opportunity to embrace the dark side… embrace the side that holds guilt and shame. You need a therapist, sure, but maybe there is a great therapist in the written word. Maybe you can write every day, no matter what, and see what happens. Maybe you can ask your body what it wants or needs to eat and do that. Maybe you need to hug that dog of yours, the one who has never done anything but LOVE you, and then play fetch with him even if it’s cold. Don’t be lazy, but understand that you’re in this place for some reason that you don’t understand. You’re in this place because for whatever reason you made choices that weren’t the best, and now you’re here and now you need to decide what to do.

Do you remember what makes you happy? Does that list you wrote years ago still apply? Yoga? yes…although now there is a lot of shame in it because of teaching it, and teaching it well, for a period of time and now not. Sweat? Yes…although when was the last time you even sweat? Maybe that’s something to work on… Writing? Yes, it’s therapeutic if nothing else. Nature? Hell yeah, but where is the nature here? More nature is needed, and there has to be a way to find it. Travel? Yes, but I have to go get the zest from within to do it. …and let’s be real, we’re pretty freaking broke.

So what do we do? Are we going to die? NO. Are we going to live? YES. Yes. Yes. Yes!

I need to be around people. I need to be open and authentic with how I’m feeling. Maybe my family isn’t the best to be around all the time, but the last thing I want to do is build another wall up that further isolates myself. I need to be walking, running, stretching, and opening my body…

Where has the music gone? And why have I not danced to it?

My world, my life, these days…

Poetry is happening in my world, my life, these days…
My mind has much to process, but it comes in much too open, much too raw, vulnerable, frightening ways…
I don’t write as I used to, feverishly penning words from in my head.
Now stories come out on my mat, alone, with students, with tears, with breath…
Now they come out in songs, sung in a voice I’ve never known.
They come out in melodies from ancient times, in rhymes, in imagery, in visions, in the building of a home.
Beauty is being channeled, from above and to the now,
and I’m watching from afar, mesmerized, in awe, at how.
Gifts are given for a time, never knowing when they’ll go.
But I am surely one to take each chance, each step, sharing what I know.
It’s scary yes, I’ll stumble and I’ll fall.
But if I don’t listen, act, then I’m ignoring your clear call.
I am just a vessel here on earth, in this time.
And all I ask is to live your truth, and give it, always, every time.
Judge me if you want, ignore me if you must.
But this life is much too short, too frail, to live without trust.
Poetry is happening in my world, my life, these days.
And I am ever grateful, healed and whole,
for my world, my life, these days.

— robin

“What you think your vulnerability, is really your magic!”

Tears of joy! Overwhelmed with love and love and love.

“Wear gratitude like a cloak and it will feed your entire life.” – Rumi

Just one year ago, I sat with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat on a comfortable, puffy, oh-so-spoiled striped yellow bed at my best friend’s house. The two of us and another girlfriend of ours, and my much-too-furry-and-fat golden retriever, shared a one-bedroom apartment in a hip suburban-Detroit neighborhood. In theory, this was perfect (two broke girls + 1 even-more-broke girl(me) + a dog? We were in made-for-television heaven!)!

You see, I had just returned to Michigan, unplanned and unprepared, after four months abroad, and decided to weasel my way into this cozy home and create a fun, bohemian life for a few months. Well, that didn’t turn out so well.

Within a few weeks of living with this blonde yogi/PR-impassioned/pretty princess and uber-motivated/fiery ginger/goddess pair, I was more lost than ever before. What the fuck was I doing? Who were these women who had somehow transformed from my friends into enlightened beings who were living lives that were somehow sooooo much better than mine, who had it all figured out, who were taking me in just as they would a lost, sad, cute curly-haired little puppy? (Turns out, they weren’t purposely making me jealous, but rather they were just regular, albeit amazing, humans with direction and ambition in a world that seemed to have lost all cardinal points to me.)

So I left. I backed out before things had a chance to get better. I went north. I took another fruitless job in an isolated place, openly allowing myself to wallow and wither away…

But it’s not a tragic story in the end, you see. It’s actually an amazing, enchanted tale full of love and luck and magic!

What started just over a year ago as a period of complete confusion and disappearing dreams turned into a year of trials and tests and grace and absolute blessed goodness!

Who started just over a year ago as a lost child grasping at stranded strings has turned into a focused, inspired, ambitious, balanced woman living on faith and intuition, and loving each moment!

Tomorrow I will be leading my first set of yoga classes in Michigan.

What?! I have somehow transformed from a lost soul looking for guidance, to someone who will be providing guidance and hope and (hopefully) inspiration to sister and brother souls looking for peace and happiness — the same peace and happiness I was looking for, the same that I would never find out there, but rather the kind one can only find within.

So today, I sit sipping mint tea. Happy. In this moment. There’s a set of centering stone rings on my tan fingers, a streak of henna in my hair, a sparkling gem in my nose, and a big smile on my face…

Today, there are tears in my eyes but my throat is free, and my voice is strong, and I can proudly say I'm happy to be where I am
Today, there are tears in my eyes but my throat is free, and my voice is strong, and I can proudly say I’m happy to be where I am.

A year ago, I had tears in my eyes. Tears of sadness, depression, anger, confusion..

Today, I still have tears in my eyes. But now, these tears couldn’t come from a more beautiful place. These are tears of gratitude! Tears of strength! Tears of passion and power and hope and honesty! Tears of joy, and tears of truth.

Today, there are tears in my eyes but my throat is free, and my voice is strong, and I can proudly say I’m happy to be where I am, to have experienced all that I have, and to be headed toward a mysterious place that can only be full of blessings and exciting, welcomed challenges.

Life is good, you know. And life is ever-changing. And anything is possible, always.

Give thanks today for the blessings of yesterday, of now, and of each tomorrow to come.

Thank you, Universe. So very much. xxoo

And thank you, above-mentioned soul sisters for all the kindness and love you showered on this curly-haired puppy left out in the rain on her own (truth be told — she let herself out and then stubbornly refused to come back in. what a silly puppy she was!). I love you, so very much! 

 

Starting the descent: Reflections on going up and going in.

… He who kisses joy as it flies by will live in eternity’s sunrise. — William Blake …

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Tomorrow morning I start the descent. Slowly going inward and challenging my body, testing my power over the mind, questioning my soul… It makes me think. I’ve come to an important realization yet again — one I’ve come to many times and one that never fails to bring me peace.

Life isn’t always easy, but it is always beautiful, and it is always a blessing. Life is always a gift.

If we let ourselves be present in each leg of this journey called life, we’ll recognize everything, always, is perfect. The “plans” that don’t go as planned — the events that are less than glamorous — our internal battles that break us, allowing for rebuilding — the tests and trials of our physical and mental bodies — the fear-inducing awakening of the spirit — all is perfect and just as it should be.

From the first flutter of the eyelids each day and their first glimpse of the morning sun, to the first breath of air, first sip of water… To the shelter above our heads, whatever it may be, to the clothes and jewelry adorning our temples of flesh… To the simple exchange with another soul, reminding us we’re never alone… All are blessings, and all are deserving of our unending gratitude. We’re blessed to be alive, right here, right now… We’ve been given a gift of grace that allows us to have the simple sweet pleasures of the human life.

 

Anjali = gift of grace. "...This human life in this physical world is a gift of grace, meant to be enjoyed, savored, respected..."
Anjali = gift of grace.
“…This human life in this physical world is a gift of grace, meant to be enjoyed, savored, respected…”

In sanskrit, the word for this gift of grace is anjali. We use the term “anjali mudra” for the hand gesture of placing the palms together in front of the heart center (this is also called namaskar mudra). Each time we press our hands together, we recognize that this human life in this physical world is a gift of grace, meant to be enjoyed, savored, respected… Our lives are designed for giving love and thanks to the Universe for the endless blessings we experience.

This word has been resonating with my heart since I first discovered it a few weeks ago in India. It is the perfect word for this journey… The journey of life, but also my current journey of discovery — inside my mind, and inside the heart of the Himalayas — is truly a gift.

But my insecure mind and fearful self questions this grace… Who am I to deserve beauty? What have I done to deserve sweetness and love and connection and adventure? Why is my life a reservoir for truth, one that is full of the nectar of goodness and hope, one that is designed to share and educate and inspire?

The simple answer is this: I am. I have gratitude. It is.

That’s it! We’ve been given all these blessings in a compassionate offering of love from the Universe. We don’t need to further question or contemplate, because after we start to see our lives for what they really are, we accept that everything is exactly as it should be. Deserving or not-deserving is irrelevant because our lives and experiences are provided to us for our appreciation and growth.

Our only task is to live genuinely, from the heart, guided by intuition and an honest love for all…

Once we make it our pure, heartfelt mission to be the most authentic version of ourselves, always, life will unfold effortlessly to us. All of our lives are destined for greatness and are designed in such a way that we can only follow the unique path so perfectly plotted for each of us. Even when it doesn’t seem to “fit” into the bigger picture, each of our experiences are connecting points on our route.

All of us, each and every one (yes, you!) has a gift to share with the world that will help it become a better place for the other souls sharing this space in this time. Maybe that gift is teaching, or sharing, or entertaining, or caring, or healing… Maybe this is done in a yoga hall as far from home as one could get, or maybe it’s done in a church, an office, a hospital, a home… Scene and setting are constantly changing, but each scene and setting we find ourselves in needs our presence. Each moment of our lives should be an act of selfless giving to the world.

So today, as I pack my trekking bag and prepare for the physical ascent of climbing up to 4,100 meters, I reflect on the descent I’m about to make back into myself, one that will help to further set my foundation, open my awareness, and inspire my physical body and mind to continue on. A solo journey of 9 or so days into the jungles, the farms, the high desert, and the snow-covered mountains of Nepal, and into my heart….

I want to encourage each of you to take a few moments to reflect on your own journey. Where are you in this life? Who are you? …now forget these things you think, and then feel… Now feel where you are, and who you are…

Do you need to peel back a few layers and reveal more warmth? Are you ready to dust off any dirt and grime and polish your spirit? Is it time to let your authentic self lead the way for a change? If you are, let it be… It’s the age of awakening, and maybe, just maybe, it’s your unique time to wake up… ❤

Namaste, beautiful souls. Shanti om. xxoo

Yoga is discipline.

"You will never know who you are if you have not disciplined yourself to know who you are." -- Yogi Bhajan
“You will never know who you are if you have not disciplined yourself to know who you are.” — Yogi Bhajan

Each bone and each muscle in my body aches. I walk with a slight limp because my hamstrings and glutes are tight and painful from a dozen too many parvrtta parvottanasana. My biceps feel as if they’re constantly flexed, and truth be told, maybe they are.

My thinking mind, my ego, does not want to practice this morning. I do not want to do five hours of asana today, or tomorrow, or each day in this remaining week of yoga teacher training.

I want to sleep, to rest, to raise my feet and watch a movie and snuggle with a man…

But, I won’t be doing any of that today. Or tomorrow. I haven’t done this for nearly a month, and I won’t be doing this for the foreseeable future.

I am a yoga teacher, in training, and I know that to walk the yogic path, one that may lead to greater awareness and therefore to a greater good for all, I must dedicate my days to something larger than myself. I must adopt the practices perfected thousands of years ago — I must walk the eight-fold path the best I can.

I must have discipline.

It’s 5:30 a.m. I woke up at 5:00, drank from a copper pot filled with water, prayed and gave thanks for all the blessings in my life, layered a long tank over a sports bra and leggings…

In thirty minutes, I’ll march, barefooted, up white marble stairs to a long, narrow, window-lined yoga hall above my head, and wait patiently, without complaint, for my Ashtanga master to open the door. He’ll command the room from the moment he walks in. With a red tika ablaze on his skin, still fresh and tight from a morning dip in the Ganga, his brahmin dread will bounce slightly as he breezes past myself and a dozen other westerners from half as many countries. He’ll remove his watch and bracelet, adjust the waistband on his shorts, step atop a teaching platform and onto a long blue mat. Then, he’ll turn to face us. His students.

He’s been awake since 4:00. He’s already done his own self-practice, a physically and mentally challenging style of yoga that he’s been practicing since his early teenage years. He perfected each posture, pose by pose, until his own master said he was ready to continue, moving on to the next position in the primary series. Before he even learned samasthiti, he swept and scrubbed the floors of his yogshala for 6 months — only then did his teacher tell him he could begin to learn the practice we know in the west as yoga — physical asana designed to prepare a body for comfortable seated meditation in which one can turn inward, and leave the physical body behind.

Now, a dozen years later, he still is practicing yoga asana and hasn’t progressed to the next rung of the ladder — pranayama — but yet he is more knowledgeable in yogasana technique, physical anatomy, and the arts of instruction and adjustment than any teacher I’ve practiced under in my six years of studio classes.

This man is a yogi with discipline.

I admire his dedication — something I can only hope to develop through years of faith in this practice, and to living a life based on mindful awareness, each and every day. It isn’t easy, for anyone, regardless if you were born in the birthplace of yoga or in the concrete jungles of North America or Japan.

But who ever said yoga was easy?

Yoga is one path to enlightenment, for all who show up. If followed, with dedication and faith, under the guidance of a guru or teacher (at least at first), each of us can progress past the partial ignorance and clouded minds of our lives and move into a place of peace and clarity — we can attain a one-pointed mind and see with near-full awareness the experience of living.

We must act as the self-realized master, living and breathing this life with intention, playing the part until we become the character himself.
We must act as the self-realized master, living and breathing this life with intention, playing the part until we become the character himself.

But first, we must give ourselves to the practice.

We must develop routine. Devotion.

We must have faith in the practice, then commit — bodies, minds, and spirits.

We must act as the self-realized master, living and breathing this life with intention, playing the part until we become the character himself.

Yoga is discipline. Are you sure you’re ready?

If so, join me on this journey. A journey we can start together but that we must commit to, even if that means walking alone.

Recognizing beauty in the squalor of North India

I’m on the road from delhi to rishikesh. I plan to unabashedly immerse myself in yoga and gods and adventure and love, breathing in the bounties of this blessed land.

But here on the road, for miles
and miles starting about 60km from haridwar, what do I see?

Squalor.

I’m reminded of the worst parts of Guatemala, but in this area I see it everywhere. Never ending. All along the roadside lie debris and damaged buildings and dirt. There is dust flying everywhere — I’m chewing on it, despite my window shutting out the world out there… I’ve never seen roads in such poor shape. Cars and trucks are literally pushed off the roads and into ditches and tree-filled fields because the gaping holes between the cement are too treacherous to drive through. We’re making this drive at night which no doubt amplifies the fear factor, however I wonder if it’s hurting or helping to hide the apparent poverty.

There are road blocks occasionally, something I hadn’t expected nor seen in my travels except once or twice in Israel and then again in Honduras and El Salvador (part of me wonders if the latter holdups were government-mandated or purposely and probably maliciously placed by thugs). These Indian roadblocks are manned by handsome, rugged types with guns and badges, although they’re definitely not military stops. …a mystery I’ll surely dig into deeper.

However it must be known that there is industry of sort — definitely some money to be made. And agriculture. With it being dark it’s impossible for me to tell must what’s growing in the flatlands next to the roadway (I think it’s sugar cane) or what is made (it very we’ll may be the same cement needed so badly on these roads). I do see cows pulling wagons stacked six times their height with bundle canes, mostly covered in burlap…

There are also pockets of people gathered, still awake at 1130 at night on a Wednesday. Some sitting around at the countless little roadside tienda-type-restaurants, and others huddled near small televisions or outdoor fires, simply sitting wrapped head to toe in heavy shawls (men and women alike). I also see people solo, smoking cigarettes (of what variety I can’t be sure), faces lit by laptop screens. It makes me wonder if Facebook dominates the real and virtual lives of this North Indian population, just as it does the American population back home.

I am highly enamored by some if India’s exotic sweetnesses as wel. For example, there are numerous stop-offs along the roads set up like small temples to Hindu gods — my ability to name these by visual cues alone is limited, but i have recognized Krishna, Vishnu, shiva, and shakti (the latter pair I’m nearly positive, based on their perpetual pairing). Also, there are many semi-trucks here (large lorries/box trucks). Maybe it’s the time of night or maybe it’s the route, but at least 3/5 vehicles traveling here are of thos fashion. What makes them so spectacular and charming are the colors emblazoned in bold or delicate patterns on the cab portions (bright mint green, fire engine red, peach, pale yellow…), and the fact that in each of the two split front windows there is a name written. There are two names! The way I understand this is that no man rides alone in these trucks — always partnered, always supported and supporting…

That’s what India is about I think. Really that’s what this world is all about. Making the best out of what you have, every day, and living your life with grace and love. I do not pity these people at all! I’d bet most of these people are genuinely happier than the majority of people I know in the western world. I do have compassion toward them and their struggles, just as I have toward anyone I meet. But I also display what I think to be the most crucial of all character traits, and hopefully I will not be proven wrong about this — kindness. We’re all one — each man, woman, child, animal, plant… Each gust of wind or wave on a shore… We all live with different worldly circumstances but we’re all fighting or flowing toward the same thing — peace and a better life. So all I can do is quietly observe when I can’t speak, ask questions and seek to understand when I can, and lend an ear, a shoulder, or a hand whenever possible, without expectation or requirement for return.

Life is beautiful. Always. Everywhere. In the serene peace of northern michigan, the majestic power of the Orwfon coast, the abundance of life in a Costa Rican jungle, and the chaotic, crusty and dusty squalor of a North Indian roadside town or ten.

Let’s never forget to recognize and appreciate the beauty around us, each and every day.

The photo below was taken today, the morning after this post was written. The squalor soon turned into breathtaking natural beauty — tree covered hills and baby Himalayas, and a mint green, majestic river. The Ganges.

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Surrendering what no longer serves us, and tearing down the wall.

“Remember the emphasis on the heart. The mind lives in doubt and the heart lives in trust. When you trust, suddenly you become centered.” ~ Osho

I have trust issues. Big ones. I hate that I do and I wish that I didn’t, but I accept that it’s something I must work through, to let go of when the time is right, and to be honest with myself and others about.

I don’t remember exactly when or how these trust issues started, but throughout my adult life, inklings of unease have developed into exaggerated and obvious insecurity. I’ve been let down on many occasions, in some pretty powerful, scarring ways, and these situations have surely contributed to my current apprehensive state.

More than once, when I’ve given my heart to another, I have seen the things I cherished very deeply vanish, disappearing right before my eyes and horrified heart, left aghast and in awe of how quickly life can change. Things were ripped from my hands still holding tight to a future I’d dreamt about, to a person I’d selected for a partner, to a grand, great love…

I’ve also been let down by people who promised to help my dreams come true, or who committed to serving as copilot on an upcoming adventure, ensuring I wouldn’t have to face the unknown alone…

Following each disappointment, I molded together brick after brick, created with sticks of anger and stones of sadness and cement resent. I stacked these bricks on the wall surrounding my heart. I slowly and deliberately built a strong and unpenetrable fortress for one. And inside, there I was, making things happen for me, relying only on myself, ensuring that only I could be accountable for my successes or my failures.

 "...If you seek peace, if you seek prosperity, ... if you seek liberalization, ... open this gate. ... Tear down this wall." -- President Reagan to Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev in 1987, urging him to demolish the Berlin Wall.
“…If you seek peace, if you seek prosperity, … if you seek liberalization, … open this gate. … Tear down this wall.” — President Reagan to Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev in 1987, urging him to demolish the Berlin Wall.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always had people in my inner circle, and of course there have always been people who I can rely on, who have always been there in times of crisis, who have always been more than willing to do anything I needed, literally giving me their last dime or shoes from their feet. But for the most part, because of my past experiences, I have maintained sole control and I haven’t expected anything, of anyone, as a means of preventing future letdowns.

This has got to change. I asked the Universe to give me softness just a few months ago, and I’m recognizing that I’m ready to draw this in. I’m ready to emerge from my closed-off castle and I’m ready to welcome in trust and faith.

It’s time to tear down this wall.

The mantra for this morning’s yoga class was, “I am open.” Our yoga teacher, a new dear friend of mine, encouraged us to not only be open to what we can draw into our lives, but also to what we can let go of… to surrender what is no longer serving us.

In past classes, this teacher has talked about how many of our responses — to events in our lives be they positive, negative, or indifferent — are often based on learned reactions from previous experiences, or may even be caused from the stuck energy residue (or toxic ama) in our cells and DNA, passed down from our ancestors. We can reset our response mechanisms, through yoga (practiced while focusing on the chakra system especially), meditation, and conscious effort.

This teacher encouraged us to breathe deeply and say the words “I am open” in our minds as we released the breath. Then, instead of immediately restating the mantra, to let ourselves be void of intentional thought and to see what naturally presents itself in our minds.

On the first release of “I am open,” the words “trust” and “faith” came into my thoughts. I knew right then, that yes, I am ready to let go of this protective barrier around myself and that I am ready to start fresh. I am ready to trust openly, without hesitation and doubt. I am ready to live freely, putting faith in the Universe to handle my hardships and to give and take away as needed. I am ready to release control…

It is time.

Today, I am tearing down the wall and I am emerging from my safe, isolated castle. I am facing the world with an army at my back instead of forcing myself to face the world alone, with only a trusted stallion at my side (whose name is Jax, by the way, and he’s the most loyal golden that ever existed ❤ ).

Doing this can do nothing but help me. Sure, I may face moments of disappointment in the future, but today is a fresh start, just like tomorrow will be, and the day after that. The people and situations in my current life have zero ties to experiences which burned me before, and it’s unnecessary for me to burden others, and limit my own opportunities, by carrying around this baggage. Enough is enough.

Today, I am surrendering what no longer serves me.

Today, I am surrendering my protective barrier of mistrust and isolation.

Today, I am surrendering to softness.

Today, I am…

Today, I am open.

I am ready to let go of this protective barrier around myself and that I am ready to start fresh. I am ready to trust openly, without hesitation and doubt. I am ready to live freely, putting faith in the Universe to handle my hardships and to give and take away as needed. I am ready to release control...
I am ready to let go of this protective barrier around myself and that I am ready to start fresh. I am ready to trust openly, without hesitation and doubt. I am ready to live freely, putting faith in the Universe to handle my hardships and to give and take away as needed. I am ready to release control…Today… I am. 

It hurts to hurt.

I’m an empath. A sponge. I’m the kind of person who absorbs the energy of those around me — good and bad — happiness, pain, anger… Everything.

I can feel negativity because of this. I can sense when things are off. I can recognize right away when tension exists and when there are escalated emotions when there should be, and normally would be, calm.

"Recently, I've noticed negative energy around me a lot. I think I'm not only sensing it and feeling it, but I think I'm the cause. This realization hurts."
Recently, I’ve noticed a lot of negative energy around me. I think I’m not only sensing it and feeling it, but I think I’m the cause.
This realization hurts.

Recently, I’ve noticed a lot of this around me. I think I’m not only sensing it and feeling it, but I think I’m the cause. This realization hurts.

I try my best to inspire others to do great things, to push themselves when they can, to relax and rewind when they must, and to love and accept each and every blessing. This world is much too short to sit on the sidelines and watch great things happen to others, so I’ve taken big leaps toward making my dreams come true and it’s my honest intention to encourage others to do the same.

Sometimes, though, people don’t want to hear encouragement. Sometimes people are resentful when good things happen to others. Sometimes people are bitter and brash and downright berating instead of being kind and excited and genuinely happy for the little victories in the lives of those around them.

I’ve felt this nastiness recently, and it’s consumed much of my thoughts. I’ve tried to convince myself I’m imagining it — if someone had a problem with me and my actions, they’d tell me, right? I’ve tried to let it roll off — more slicker, less sponge. I’ve tried to accept it, to force myself to swallow and suppress the pain and unease rising in my chest and throat when I enter a room filled with obvious animosity. But, the empath inside won’t let me do this. The empath inside will continue to feel the negative energy until it’s gone.

In this morning’s yoga class, the Universe lifted this burden from my shoulders — it provided a solution my soul so desperately needed.

Our yoga teacher read Chapter 30 from The Tao Te Ching. The words helped me realize that I can only do my very best, each day, and that I cannot dwell on the outcome, whatever it may be. I can only live honestly, with integrity and good intention, and that the reaction from others to my life cannot be my concern.

I am happy with who I am. I am grateful for the good and bad in my life, for the tiny miracles and the big bummers alike. I am proud of the person I am and the person I’m becoming. I refuse to let someone’s anger or sour response bring me down and cause me guilt and shame or make me feel undeserving of grace and goodness. I’m worthy of life’s blessings, as are they, and my hope is that they’ll realize this as well. My hope is that they’ll work just as hard to live a good life, and that they’ll reap its beautiful blessings, just as I have.

My hope is that my hurting heart will heal and that I’ll always remember the lines from the Tao Te Ching, and that I’ll continue to believe in myself, to be content with myself, and to accept myself, just as I am.

And that one day, sooner than later, they will, too.

The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.     — From Stephen Mitchell’s translation of The Tao Te Ching
The Master does his job and then stops.
He understands that the universe is forever out of control,
and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao.
Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others.
Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval.
Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.
— From Stephen Mitchell’s translation of The Tao Te Ching

Gratefulness, letting go, and… the Ganges! [video + text]

I shot the video (on my iPhone, of course...) overlooking Lake Michigan's Grand Traverse Bay.
I shot the *iPhone* video overlooking Lake Michigan’s Grand Traverse Bay.

“Wear gratitude like a cloak and it will feed your entire life.” — Rumi

After being blown away by the traffic to Honest Green Jeans (nearly 7,000 unique visitors in Loving the Free Spirit‘s first 5 days!), I decided to put together a simple, non-edited video to openly share my thankfulness for you, and my excitement for what’s next!

In this 10-minute clip I talk about gratefulness (for all who are discovering this blog, for the beauty of life, for the power and grace of the Universe!), letting go (releasing control and giving in to the natural flow of life), and I give a quick update on where my life is headed next!

I’ve yet to create a video blog post, but… I hope you like it!

Thank you again for all the love and support you’ve shown me lately. We are a community of like-minded souls, so let’s share our thoughts on living truly in today’s crazed world, and let’s take comfort in knowing we’re in this together.

I appreciate all your comments and emails, so make sure to keep reaching out! If you have any questions for me or would like any advice, feel free to ask and I’ll do my best to help out 🙂

I'm feeling pretty blessed. Thanks in part to you xxoo.

Thanks so much everyone! More to come — soon!

Below is a time reference for those of us who are too rushed for a 10-minute video (I know — I’m this person sometimes!).

First part: Gratefulness pt 1 from about 0:30 – 3:20, Gratefulness pt 2 from about 3:22 – 4:40. Second part: Letting Go — from about 4:42 – 6:22. Third part: The Ganges — from about 6:22 – 10:00.

addition from 2/14

To provide a quick reference, this is where I plan to explore on this journey to the yoga motherland ❤

Starting in Delhi, traveling to Rishikesh for yoga school, then Dharamsala, Jaisalmer, Jodhpur, Agra, Varanasi then into Nepal, trekking the Tsum Valley, heading to Pokhara, then Katmandu. But as always, time may change my mind, which is beautiful <3
Starting in Delhi, traveling to Rishikesh for yoga school, then Dharamsala, Jaisalmer, Jodhpur, Agra, Varanasi then into Nepal, trekking the Tsum Valley, heading to Pokhara, then Katmandu. But as always, time may change my mind, which is beautiful ❤

And here is a direct link to the blog that’s getting a lot of attention: https://honestgreenjeans.com/2014/01/28/loving-the-free-spirit/

Here is a link to a blog that gives some backstory on MY story and an update of where I’m at today: https://honestgreenjeans.com/2013/11/22/i-survived-11-life-lessons-learned-during-a-quarter-life-crisis/

Here is a video on Rishikesh: Rishikesh-My City

And this is the video I reference toward the end, about the Tsum Valley in Nepal: Tsum Valley – A Hidden Valley Vignette

Loving the free spirit.

A free spirit is fiercely independent and loves her sacred solo space filled with daydreams and art and impromptu dance floors. A free spirit doesn’t want to be tied down, but she does want to be admired, adored, respected. A free spirit will give her love passionately and powerfully for a while, but just as quickly as she fell for you, she may change her mind and take back her freedom, her most prized-possession, leaving you bewildered and confused, but always loved…

A free spirit has drive and dreams unlike any other. She sets her sights on a goal, a location, an unknown experience swirling deep in her manifesting mind… She feels what it is she wants, then she sets aside day-to-day pleasures and saves her money, working tirelessly for every penny, and feels an unmatched sense of accomplishment when she purchases a plane ticket. She’s made peace with selling her possessions and starting over each time she returns home, a place she’ll always love more than any beach or jungle or desert dune…

A free spirit is never too lonely, anywhere in the world, because she’s enlivened by life and conversation, by connecting with others who share her love of new experiences. She is loyal, 100% true, once she’s given you her trust, which she does so hastily, almost to a fault. She understands how quickly one must learn to let go — of people, of places, of feelings and emotions. The free spirit has seen more ups and downs, more bliss and broken hearts than most, but she’d never trade any peak or valley for a month of safe, secure monotony. Some are scared by travel and unknown tomorrows, but the free spirit is frightened by foreseen futures, carefully mapped out in 2-, 5-, and 10-year plans.

"So love the free spirit, but understand that if you don't "get her" you probably never will, because she is different than you but she's still fine, still ok just as she is."
“So love the free spirit, but understand that if you don’t “get her” you probably never will, because she is different than you but she’s fine, ok just as she is.”

But a free spirit hasn’t always had it easy, you know. She’s faced criticism for her choices, made to feel irresponsible and immature when she quit her job or ended a relationship without good reason. She’s been plagued by guilt for buying last-minute plane tickets instead of attending a family get-together or friend’s birthday. She’s been confused more often than not, never understanding why she was so different than the average girl — why she can’t wrap her head around marriage and kids, picket fences and pinterest decorating tips, or the comfort of a 30-year career with money and authority and a bit of fame.

So love the free spirit, but understand that if you don’t “get her” you probably never will, because she is different than you but she’s fine, ok just as she is.

Love the free spirit, but love her passion and excitement. Never try to tone her down or rein her in. Love her independence and her bravery. Love her high-pitched animated voice and silly ballerina dance moves and sun-scarred body covered with foreign script tattoos and cloth bracelets and obsure-stone rings. Love her tales of adventure and her incessant pleas for you to travel with her, to open your eyes to a world greater than the one you’ve always known… Love her when she sleeps, when her head finally decides to rest for a moment… Love her when she cries, when her broken heart becomes too much to bear, when she retreats into herself when the reverse culture-shock shakes her core, when she says she’s sorry, and she means it, for hurting you when she had to leave…

Love the free spirit, but understand she lives the only way she’s ever known… Love the free spirit, but love her for what she is and the only thing she’ll ever be…

Free.

Not all ...
And please remember…
...who wander...
… not all free spirits are aimless wanderers …
... are lost.
… many of us are searchers, seeking truth and beauty and love, just like you.

We are worthy of our dreams.

“If we believe ourselves worthy of our dreams, then we become instruments of God.” — Paulo Coehlo

During a yoga class last week, our teacher moved us through a simple meditation on our chakras, using hand mudras and mantras to help tune in and awaken our energy centers that may have been a bit too still or under stimulated.

We started with our root chakra, gaining awareness of our tribal roots, our right to exist, to have things, to be here… We then moved to our sacral chakra, feeling our pleasure center, the joy of being, of lusting, of bliss… Then, we moved to our solar plexus chakra — our third chakra, located in our stomachs right behind our belly buttons. I remember her using the words “personal power, self-confidence, self-worth.” And then she said, “this is where we feel worthy of chasing our dreams.”

My calm and cool yogic composure dissolved in this universal truth that had been waiting for the right time to present itself… I broke.

Almost immediately I was overwhelmed with emotion. Tears welled up in my eyes and my stomach started to fold, almost as if my third chakra was collapsing in on itself. Almost as if something I’d known, somewhere deep within, had been stoked, sparked, and reignited — given life and given a voice.

I became aware of the truth in her words. I realized, powerfully, that we (me, you, every last one of us!) are worthy of our dreams. Our guts know it. Our guiding centers buried deep within our bodies know we are worthy of everything we want for this life.

My third chakra spoke loud and clear to me, so loud that I haven’t a clue what was said or what we were instructed to do as we moved through our remaining chakras. I was glued to this truth about dreams… about the power we each have to make our dreams a reality.

Since this class nearly a week ago I’ve tried to come up with a way to describe this feeling, this empowering push I have to make my dreams come true, to make even the most “far-fetched, too-good/too-crazy/too-beautiful” dreams become my reality. I haven’t a clue what’s the best way to describe it, so I’m just writing whatever comes out, in hopes that the Universe will provide the words that will connect with someone reading this. That will inspire them to run after their dreams. To help them realize that they are powerful, and that they are capable of having absolutely everything they want. No matter if they understand the path to get there or not — it will happen. If they’re able to dream it, then they’re able to have it… Whatever it is ❤

The first step to reaching our goals is for each of us is to recognize what the pulls are deep inside our souls… What do we want? What do we wish for? What is it that may compliment and excite our unique selves — that thing or set of things that are so perfectly crafted for us, for our simple beautiful beings?

Whatever it is — being a writer, a painter, a mother, an actress, a fashion designer, a teacher — traveling the world, creating a community of likeminds in our cities, educating others on health and wellness, knowing all there is to know about absolutely anything! — we are worthy of it.

Something far greater than ourselves planted a seed inside our souls long before we existed. We’re on a lifelong journey to recognize the potential life in these seeds, to plant them once the conditions are right, to nurture and care for them each day until they blossom, and then to marvel and awe in their beauty as the grow and surpass any limits we were foolish enough to place on them in our limiting lifestyle prior…

Our dreams are beautiful.

We are beautiful.

You already have all the strength and power you need. Your dreams are yours already -- just trust. Then, go for it <3
You already have all the strength and power you need. Your dreams are yours already — just trust. Then, go for it ❤

Our dreams need our bodies and our minds to manifest. It’s up to us to let the magic flow, to let the passion pour out of our hearts and into our dreams… It takes personal power and self-love and confidence and bravery to run after our dreams, but I guarantee, once we decide to dream the big dreams and chase after them without hesitation, we’ll live lives full of beauty and majesty and excitement and grace.

And, we will be, instruments of god. Instruments of a good and truthful power far greater than we will ever know… But we will be living truly, honestly, and in line with our unique purposes on this planet…

So today, dream a big big big dream. Take some time to quiet your logical mind, to soothe your overworked and overburdened soul. Turn inward and to let the light within you reignite in the beauty of your desires. Let your gut, your manipura chakra, tell you what it is you want. Let it light you up and fill you with passion! Let it sing and shine through you! Dissolve your ego into this truth, and then be you as big and as boldly as you can be.

Live your dreams, beautiful souls. Let us each live exactly as we’re meant to live. Let us know what it is we’re meant to know. And let us do each and every thing we want to do. Because that, my friends, is why we’re here and that, my my friends, is what will make this world a better place for everyone now and everyone to come…

Shine on, you crazy diamonds ❤

Practice. Every day.

“Practice. All is coming.” — Sri K. Pattabhi Jois

Lately I’ve been thinking about the dualities of life and how there are so many different realities present in each of our lives — in every single day we live in multiple worlds, each requiring a piece of us regardless if we want to hand it over or not.

We may create a safe, secure bubble where we’re free to practice yoga, meditate, or spend time in nature, but this bubble is only so large and can only contain our bodies for so long. At some point, we have to emerge from this space and face a different world. One filled with cubicles and deadlines and traffic and bills. A world that isn’t usually calm, isn’t often conscious. A world that, personally, I’d rather avoid more often than not.

However, this is 2014 and this is life on planet Earth. We have to face that fast-paced, polluted world and it’s up to each of us to develop a strategy for living that works for us. A strategy lets us, ideally, maintain a calm centered space, capable of handling each obstacle with grace. For me, my yoga and meditation practice, my nature hikes and dog walks, and my clean cooking and self-care routines have helped create a solid foundation I can stand on, always, regardless of which world I’m forced to encounter.

Maintaining your center takes patience and practice, but it's worth it <3
Maintaining your center takes patience and practice, but it’s worth it ❤

I work in an office filled with constant stress and deadline pressure, yet somehow, I am almost always relaxed. I sit in traffic with everyone else, with honking horns and white-knuckle wheel grips, but I’m patient. I make very little money, but I somehow have faith and trust that the Universe will provide (and it always does). I am rooted in a world I love, that supports me always.

This isn’t always easy of course, and getting to this point took practice, dedication, and an intentional effort each and every day. It all started with a mindful decision to live better — to think better thoughts, to make better choices, to be a better person. Then, it all came naturally. I started listening to my heart and my body, and living for me instead of for everyone else. …best decision I’ve ever made.

So today, ask yourself if you’re ready to let go of the stress, the worry, the frustration, and if you’re ready to draw in peace, patience, and joy.

It’s possible to be amazingly blissed out! Regardless of circumstance.

But first, you just have to want it 🙂

If you want to hear any tips on how you can specifically change pieces of your life, shoot me an email and I’ll do what I can to help out.

Letting go of defeat: 2 steps to regain your strength.

“The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.” – Robert Green Ingersoll

I’ve faced defeat half a dozen times the past two weeks. Even one instance of this can knock me off my path completely, but over the past two weeks, I’ve done my best to dodge SIX deadly bullets. Six times in twice as many days I’ve experienced feelings of inadequacy and rejection so powerful and pointed toward the core of my being that I’ve been blown backward and forced to regroup… Dust the debris, shake my shoulders, and keep moving forward.

I last wrote about an instance where I didn’t get a job, and about how I recognized that the event was helping me learn patience, trust, and walking the talk I so openly write about. At the end of the post and at the end of the day, I was happy. I had recovered from the little defeat and hadn’t lost sight of my goal.

I then did this five more times. Each time became slightly more difficult than the time before as each event softly stabbed and scraped at the fresh layer of scar tissue being built upon the wound. I did my best to bear the pain and push through.

But, eventually, we all come to a point where we are defeated. We realize that those little cuts are plentiful and that we’re bleeding out. We’re no longer able to heal as we could if only one or two slices marked our skin…

Today, I arrived at this point.

Today, I felt defeated.

When we’ve experienced true, lasting, painful depression and sadness, we’re fearful of re-entering that space (despite knowing it will eventually go away) and we often develop strategies for staying positive and dealing with our dark sides. We try to be proactive about maintaining a positive mind.

Through my personal battles over the past eight years, I’ve developed a couple tactics that work well to banish the blues before they take control of my life, of THE LIFE I want to live.

1) A quick and easy way to deal with negative thoughts and feelings is to give ourselves a little pep talk. I count my blessings, remind myself of my talents and the goals I want to achieve, reflect on the experiences I’ve had, and tell myself that I am enough and that I have enough and that everything is just fine. I bring positivity into my life via a few moments of positive self-talk.

2) A more focused, purposeful way to let go of specific moments and to draw in positivity is by holding a simple fire ceremony to seal in your intentions. First write down the negative thoughts, feelings, or events on one sheet of paper and then write down positive affirmations or goals on another (these don’t have to be the rehashing of all bad things in our lives or recreations of our vision boards, but rather simple cues of the bad and the good). Then, burn the lists. Watch the flame devour your moments of defeat and watch the flame grow as it’s fueled by your positivity.

No matter how we choose to regain our strength when we’re feeling week, it’s important to first acknowledge our feelings and to let our bodies and minds fully express our emotions as to not create more toxicity within ourselves. Let yourself cry or scream when you’re sad and upset just like you *should* let yourself smile big and dance when you’re happy and excited! Let it all out, then do what you can to let go of defeat and regain your strength so you can keep moving forward.

Write it down then let it go. Fire is a powerful way of releasing negativity and drawing in strength.
Write it down then let it go. Fire is a powerful way of releasing negativity and drawing in strength.

After a particularly trying day (Christmas Eve of all days), I decided to hold my own little fire ceremony to release the recent string of defeats. I’ve cried more in the past two weeks than I have in the past three months combined and I do not want to let this sadness become a staple in my present reality — I’m positive and powerful and destined for great things as long as I stay focused on activities I love. I do not want to waste any time being stuck in sorrow caused by hearing “NO” too many times.

So tonight, I scribbled a few words about each of the six defeats on a purple post-it and set it aside. Then, I wrote dozens of affirmations on another post-it, filling up nearly every violet void with positive statements like “I am enough” and “I am responsible for my reactions” and “I am getting closer.”

I lit a candle and filled a small bowl with water (far too many house fires happen over the holidays and although I doubt many are caused by 20-somethings trying to create a sacred space for strengthening the spirit, I can’t be too careful).

I glanced over my defeat note, folded it in half, and held it above the flame. I watched as the sharpie chicken-scratch letters burned and charred then disappeared above the glass water dish. I let it go…

Then, I looked at the barely legible words on the second note, written on top of each other and numbering dozens more than the measly defeats. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, acknowledging the truth of the words I’d written. I folded the paper and held it above the flame. I watched as the flame took my thoughts — I felt strength in watching this natural force envelop my hopes, taking control of what I gave it, doing with it what it liked — I let it go…

This simple act had a powerful effect on my sense of center. I felt better, cleaner, lighter, and more confident in myself. No longer was my solar plexus chakra feeling powerless and defeated. I regained a bit of my pride, and my head felt more at ease and my heart felt full again.

I may have heard “NO” a few too many times lately, but that doesn’t mean I’ll always hear “NO,” and that doesn’t mean that “YES” isn’t on its way.

Good things will happen — until then and even after they do, I’ll keep moving forward. No matter what.

Patience, trust, and walking the talk.

“Sooo I’m being taught a lesson in patience, trust, and walking the talk.”

While solo dancing in my kitchen, confident and cool and so content with all the great things about to happen in my life, I waited for a pot of lentils to finish simmering on the stove top and the kale and spinach to wilt in the pan beside it. I smiled to myself, thinking that before long, I’d be offered a job paying nearly double what I make now… All my financial woes would be gone and I’d be on the path to having my student loans paid off by 30. Success and sweet, sweet freedom…

As my mukluks carried my spinning body across the linoleum floor, my phone vibrated. I glanced, assuming it was just another pre-Christmas email pleading for me to purchase half-priced presents from an online store halfway across the country…

Nope. Not that. It was… an email from someone I’d just interviewed with. All I could see in the notification bar was “I would like to thank you for taking the time…”

Heart. Dropped.”…taking the time” is never a good sign.

I hurriedly opened the email, only to find out the job I had locked down in my head only days before was no longer an option. They’d offered the position to someone else.

I collapsed on the floor in front of the oven. I was in disbelief. What?! That’s just. What?! I wasn’t prepared for this. NOT getting the job wasn’t a possibility in my mind… I’d banked on this turning out.

As tears slowly dripped from my eyes and onto my cheeks and neck, the greens started to sizzle and burn in the pan. This was not supposed to happen, I thought. But there it was. Black on white, pixel on pixel, “thanks for taking the time…”

I let myself cry. I was going to be late for work and those lentils weren’t going to be eaten. But this girl, this confident and cool and so content girl, needed a moment to cry…

During the past several weeks I’ve been taking a mantra and meditation class at my yoga school. Numerous times, I’ve heard the phrase “think of what you want, then let it go.” I’ve learned it’s best not to get attached to outcomes, but rather to understand the significance or motivation behind what it is we want and ask for that instead. For instance, instead of saying “I want X job,” we should think about the full reasons for why we want X job. What will X job bring into our lives? What are our motivations for wanting X job? We may realize the job itself isn’t the goal, but rather the goal is having more money to pay for something, or to build our skills in an area, or to simply get closer to a career we want.

For the job I thought I really wanted, the core motivation was really that I hope to be financially free. Soon. The job itself was of less importance in this particular circumstance. I needed to say “I want to be financially free,” instead of “I want X job.” Manifestation works with the bigger picture, not details usually (except for that Canadian surfer on the beach in Nicaragua… lol).

I’ve learned how to live on little, and I know there’s more to life than working solely for a paycheck. In my heart I know, for me, I can do much greater things for this world if I’m not bound by “having” to work. I have student loan debt that will plague my indefinite future (currently I’m guessing for at least 7 or so years if I continue paying my current amount), and because I’m not one to completely disregard my obligations and societal responsibilities, I know that I will continue finding ways to pay this off until it’s gone.

So, my heart was a bit broken to find out I didn’t get the job (despite being fully qualified, per the followup-feedback email I received — TIP to all those millenials and young professionals reading this — ALWAYS follow up after getting turned down. Ask for feedback. If they provide reasons, you can build and grow and better prepare for something else, and if they don’t you’re no worse off than before.).

In my head I was a bit confused. I didn’t understand why the Universe would present me with a perfectly good opportunity that would help me become financially free pretty quickly, only to have it NOT turn out as I thought it should. What!? I provided GREAT clips, I am FULLY qualified, and I had the best, COULDN’T-HAVE-BEEN-BETTER interview, but you DON’T want me to work there? Universe, this isn’t working for me… Come on…

Wait a second, I realized, who am I to say that job didn’t “work out”? Oh, so I didn’t immediately get hired? Which means that I don’t have to leave a city that I love and a job that I like to work in a city I don’t really love doing something that may only fulfill me a little bit, to get a bigger paycheck that in my heart I know doesn’t matter all that much?

Ok, Universe, I see what you did there… You made me grateful for everything I currently have. You made me actually kind of grateful it didn’t “work out” like I thought it would.

Points for you, Universe. You win.

Then, after I put back on my cloak of gratitude (Rumi was really such a genius), I started thinking about what else this event was teaching me.

Patience.
What is it that I want? I want to be financially free. I know in my heart I am not destined to be bound by money. But, I do know for whatever reason, I am bound a bit now and that for whatever reason, it’s probably a good thing. Gandhi said, “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” So, I can wait. I have to wait. And that’s ok. I have patience that in time, when the time is right, I’ll be free from debt.

Trust.
Who runs this place, anyway? Yeah… It’s not me. It’s not you. It’s someone or something greater than any of us can conceive of and it’s someone or something who knows what to do. It’s not my will that’s going to make things happen. I’m done trying to think I know what’s best… trying to plan my life away. I’ve given in to forces bigger than myself and I trust that everything — good, bad, beautiful, painful, exciting, dull — is making my life more complex and as perfect as it should be. And, because this particular job didn’t seal my fate for the indefinite future, the unknown is still an option. And, who is to say this “setback” wasn’t really a trail marker leading me to somewhere AMAZING. An AMAZING door to opportunity just around the bend 🙂

Walking the talk.
What do I hope to accomplish in my life? I want to inspire people to live happier, positive lives while living the happiest, most positive life I can! I try to provide ideas for how we can do this, emphasizing acceptance and compassion and fun and bravery. Well, if I’m not living my advice, I’m a phony. I have to heed my own advice and just let it be. Everything that is, is just fine. Each situation we find ourselves in is an opportunity to learn a lesson and to spread knowledge and joy! No wasting any more moments feeling unnecessarily sad. Enough. I choose bliss.

Our "setbacks" may really be trail markers leading to somewhere AMAZING. Keep going...
Our “setbacks” may really be trail markers leading to somewhere AMAZING. Keep going…

After I gave myself a few minutes to cry on that kitchen floor and release the excitement and attachment I’d built up around the job, I came to some pretty powerful revelations and had to text my best friend the news.

“Sooo I’m being taught a lesson in patience, trust, and walking the talk. They went with someone else.” I wrote.

Her response? “Well that’s a bummer. I wonder what’s coming down the pipe for you now :)”

What perfect, honest, real, useful thoughts. Basically, 1)Tough shit, little girl. 2) Chin up and get excited for what’s next!

So, here I am again. Happy, grateful, and with more possibilities than *I thought* I had just days ago. No worries. No complaints. Life. Is. Good.

Thanks, Universe. For NOT giving me the job. You’re the best.

Tie-dye leggings and gray dress slacks. A note on bending before breaking.

Today, I’m wearing gray dress slacks I put in a box destined for Goodwill just one year ago. I’m pairing these pants with a black sweater and a pair of modest ballet flats.

And a pair of multicolored tye-dye leggings.

Before I quit my job last fall, I decided I’d had it with business attire. Never again would I wear dress pants to work each day! Pencil skirts and cardigans? Go to hell. “I don’t want to work at any company that won’t let me dress in a t-shirt and flip flops!,” I said defiantly when my mom questioned why I was getting rid of my professional clothing.

Well, maybe this happened by mistake or maybe on purpose (her purpose, not mine), but many of these business pieces weren’t stuck with little blue and green tags and sold to someone who needed a cheap option or someone who wanted to be hip by buying used… Instead, the boxes and bags overflowing with khakis and cable-knit were stacked alongside my distressed denim and concert tees. Now I’m wearing these clothes again. They surely have proven useful, and saved me loads of moolah.

I’ve grown through my 20-something freak out, and I’ve learned that having a nice stable job that asks you to look polished and neat each day isn’t so bad after all. Actually, it’s quite nice not having to decide whether or not my over-sized tank, skinny jeans, and moccasins are appropriate (sometimes yes, most times no… not in the newsroom at least). I enjoy that a little bit of decision making is taken care of simply because I have to build an outfit using “business casual” attire. Black pants? Check. Simple sweater? Check. Nude flats? Check. Done and done.

However, what I HAVE learned is that even though I’m not getting the chance to “express myself” as freely as I could by wearing clothes appropriate for interacting with editors each evening (although, many of my coworkers totally dig this Bonnaroo tee-wearing boho chick and would welcome the change of pace), I’m still able to integrate bits of my personality into my fabric and accessory selections. A printed cami. Multicolored Mayan loafers. Leggings and boots and a way-too-baggy sweater. Black on black on black on black. Things that are “appropriate” but are still me. Bending inside the limits, bending to conform just a bit…

At my last office job, I think part of the reason I BROKE like I did was because I didn’t consider how to remain stable while BENDING… I looked at my situation as an ice block that I had to remain frozen inside of, rather than looking at it as something that could melt and conform to my natural shape a bit better. I could have sought out more opportunities to express myself, in areas like creative design tasks or writing for example. Or I could have accepted my professional job as it was, and expressed myself more freely in my downtime. However, I decided I was stuck and I had to break free.

Now I know, learning to bend rather than break is so important.

Learn how to bend the rules, and when you can't, still be YOU underneath ;)
Learn how to bend the rules, and when you can’t, still be YOU underneath.

But even in my current job there are some days, like today, when I decide to go the very traditional route of wearing black on gray. But, I’m still me and I’m still making it a point to make the child inside happy, the one insisting she wear striped socks over argyle tights with a polka-dot sweater (I just reunited with a younger me who lives on the Oregon coast), even if the expression has to be underneath my varying shades of K. No one knows I’m wearing neon pink and yellow tye-dye leggings but me, and I’m the only person needing to be impressed sometimes 🙂

I’ve now learned how to bend and compromise in so many areas of my life. Doing so prevents many headaches and helps keep the peace. In the workplace, and in my heart.